still in May 2012

I can't believe it's only May. I mean, it seems like days are really slow lately, I thought it's been a month since papa passed away, but actually, it's been just 20 days. While others say the cliche "it feels like yesterday when you're still alive", for me it's more of "Time flies when you're having fun ...likewise time crawls when you're sad" and yes, this is the saddest (and perhaps the most stressful) month of my life thus far, making my days crawl really really REALLY slowly. And I guess this is because, in between normal activities, "extra thoughts" just pop out -- and they're composed of just two things: papa, and my future.

Time to time I reminisce the good days with papa, then regret the bad days when I should have been a better daughter. When I feel the regrets, I push myself to be thankful that I still have one parent left. That there's a chance for me to do things I should have done when papa was alive. And when I recall the good days, I just smile with a bittersweet feeling, that God blessed me to have a good father for 28 years. "28 years long", or "Just 28 years" -- depends on my mood. You know, I opted to write down all good memories here, but nah - I guess one blog post isn't enough, and it will just make me cry all over again, SO anyway....

I also think about my wedding, 7 months from now (7 months from now?! panic!!! haha). But unlike the recent months -- when I think about nothing but the wedding's glitter and all -- I always think about that moment I'll walk down the aisle. When papa left, I made an instant decision - I will walk ALONE, no subs for papa. Since then, I feel this urge, or panicky feeling that I really should practice as early as now not to bawl my eyes out while walking. Of course, more than my concern on having waterproof makeup and the ability to smile while crying (hehe), I am worried that it will make me feel more sad, than happy. And so as early as now, I pray (nakukulitan na nga ata Diyos sakin) that the special day will be something 100% happy, something that would probably make papa smile from above.

Then, more than anything else, I feel happy (again, a bittersweet feeling actually) that papa gave his blessing to Lou before leaving. I will never forget that moment when Lou proposed to my parents - papa's tears rolled down his cheeks, while smiling, as he said "alagaan mo si Leda kase bunso namin yan". That memory makes me feel really blessed to have someone affirm such big decision. Some brides get jittery and confused before getting married... me, how can I ever feel that? I feel like I once had a king to proclaim a knight for me. And thus far for me, that's the best feeling in the world.

Anyway, as I have vowed to myself, (after several shoutouts and photo posts about papa in FB) that after a blog post about papa's death, I will move on from the loss. Well, I'll always look back to this month, but focus on the happy side of everything. Because after all, papa has always wanted a happy death (and believe it or not, he has always wanted a happy funeral, too) so I will just do my best to be happy as well.

Papa, wherever you are, I want you to know that we are surrounded by so much love and care from relatives and friends. I really miss you, but I will strive each day to be okay. Thank you for being a good father to me. I always pray for your peace in eternity. Until we meet again. :)