Papa is in the hospital again - the other day he collapsed and was brought to ICU because of "cerebral hemorrhage" (that's what I understood at least). 2 days have passed and he's still in the ICU. Last night I heard he developed pneumonia - I'm not really sure, but I think there's something that's related to his lungs this time. No procedure nor surgeries are planned yet, as he is still under observation.
Sometimes I'm okay, strong and hopeful. Sometimes I'm sad and tired. Oftentimes, I'm really scared. But for some reasons I'm living each day like the usual - working, eating, laughing, even planning out events for november. Later, I even have this first sweldo treat for my team, which I planned last week.
I guess it's just that - I know we (my family) are in a really really really bad situation right now, but I know too that dwelling on this worry -- thus pricking everyone's bubble -- will certainly not help.
But honestly, when I'm alone or idle, there's this sequence of thoughts that repeatedly run in my head:
First I ask myself, and God, Am I going to lose my father soon?
Then I laugh at how others think how strong I seem -- that's Leda, she's living solo, totally independent and all. When in fact there's this one thing that constantly haunts me, since my dad has been a constant hospital visitor -- death of a parent. I know what it is, I know it will happen someday, and I know it's something that's becoming more and more common for our generation. But I do not know how to deal with it, I don't even want to think about it, like I resist to accept that one day, when I pray for healing, God can actually say "no".
Then I question myself for the kind of faith I have right now -- is it right to think about (or just say the word) death when I should be believing that God "will never leave my side and will always answer my prayers"? Or is it just right that I live each day like it's a normal day, and pray for "strength for whatever happens", for "whatever's less torturous for papa ...and mama ...and our pockets", thinking of all the ugly possibilities at the back of my head?
Then I recall all the blessings God has given me, especially those in 2010 - He healed my father, He nodded when I asked if He can "extend" my father's life. He even gave means for us to pay the whopping St. Luke's bill. and the debts after that. and lots more! All these then make me believe that if I should just have faith, yes my father will be healed.
Gee. I'm going to burst!
As what this entire post implies, I'm NOT okay, I'm not sure what exactly am I feeling, and I'm just hardly trying to be strong ...because I, my mom and my sisters should be strong for each other. I need to be composed, because the world can't adjust to all my miseries and I am not the only one suffering from something.
So... once again, I ask - please pray for my dad, and us. What to pray for? I leave it all to you. Then, you don't really have to empathize... just cheer me up in ways that you know. Perhaps that's all I need for now :)
