He just left me, saying he's not happy. Up till now it feels weird typing that, as weird as I think of it everytime I wake up in the morning. We used to be happy. everyone knew we were happy. everyone saw we were happy. everyone was happy for us. It was just so... perfect. But then, yeah, I forgot, if it's perfect... it's probably too good to be true.
I never meant to present my life now publicly. This just seems like a good idea to pause a little, from crying. and perhaps a good way to tell everyone that hey, I'm not okay. Don't you dare look for him on our next dinner, I dunno how shitty would I react.
Yes folks, it wasn't a match-made-in-heaven after all. It was just God's way to let me know what "perfect" means, and how it feels to be "genuinely happy" ...for almost 3 years at least. Or maybe God's giving me the full package, when I prayed for independence (see, be careful what you pray for).
Whenever I wake up, I still ask the classic question WHY. then I drag myself hardly to live life again, hoping it's just a nightmare, a joke, or God's sweet way to let me jump for too much joy, the moment he comes back ...then I end my day in prayer, telling God that "yeah, it's beyond my control, You have plans for me that just didn't go the way I wanted to... but yeah I know Your plans will always be great, and I am special with or without anyone.".
Then I ask for understanding, tons of it, because I still can't fully comprehend how one person can be unhappy in one snap. Then I ask to learn how to understand, because maybe I knew reasons, but chose to be blind all along. Then I ask to stop hoping, because it's torturous. Then I ask for the same understanding, for my family — who's grieving now, as much as I do.
Then I ask for strength and healing, also tons of them, because (as some of you may know) I chose to be independent months ago, so I'm moving out from home in a few days, and I have no idea how life will be when you know you just bid goodbye to almost everything, including the love you wanted to keep forever.
Thank you to everyone who have sympathized, and empathized thus far. To all those who offered calls, talks, dinners, distractions, thank you — even though I don't know yet when I can face the world decently. To all, please include me in your prayers. and thank you for being a part of our sweet fairytale...
