"Please Lord, not now!"

Here goes my realizations (Not because it's holy week but because that one month stay in the hospital gave me lessons worth sharing -like what I said in my last post! And... I promised God to share this to all).

They say, you realize someone's worth when that someone leaves you. Thank God He gave me that realization NOT by taking away my father, but through sickness. Not through death, but through something very close to that.

Don't get me wrong though, I've always known my dad's worth. I've always known I'm blessed to have a father, a mother, both parents still alive, a family that's whole, etcetera etcetera...It's just that I was never close to my dad. ever.

hmmm, no. maybe for a few times. Maybe the last time was when when I was eight, when I would sit on his lap, then I'd kiss him to get tiny rewards. hehe. My unforgettable "daddy's girl" memories were those times we were in the car, I was just 5 or 6. Whenever I'd see a truck or a huge bus, I'd ask him if he could drive that too. As always, he'd answer "yan lang? oo naman kaya ko mag drive ng ganyan!" then I'd clap my hands saying "wowwww! ang galing talaga ni papa!", with so much awe and pride ...even though now I realize that might not be true at all. hahaha.

Then I've always been a mum's girl, but not really a bad girl for my dad (or I'd like to think I wasn't) In fact, whenever I'd enter into a relationship, I'd always consider what my dad would think. That's why the last joyous moment I remember - as a daughter - was when I saw, felt and heard that he liked my guy. Also that's why when that relationship ended, I was so devastated, thinking that it's only once in a blue moon (or maybe once in a lifetime) will my father give that approval.

So that was me. as my dad's daughter. Then this need for an open heart surgery came. At first, it felt usual -I prayed a lot, asked for prayers from friends, worried about things, thought about bad things that could happen next, and all those stuff, but I was still that so-so daughter.

Till the night before his surgery. More WHAT IFs crossed my mind, all ending in a single WHAT IF: What if he won't make it? Will I still have a chance to be a better daughter? Then I've always shook my head, praying more that "please please Lord, please don't take him now, not now."

Then right before he was brought inside the operating room, I kissed him "goodnight", I kissed the same man who also kissed me for the first time - and that thought started to make me cry, but I still smiled, waved goodbye with no trace of sadness nor fear to show him strength and support. while I prayed again, "please please Lord, not now..."

And yes, God's so good, he answered my prayer! The operation's over, and the month-long scary recovery as well. God decided to extend his life, and so is my daughter-hood. And so far, I can say it's been a really good "extension" period:

Whenever I see my hands, I laugh at how they're so similar to my father's hands --long fingers, squared nails. I notice that now because since he got out of the operating room, I've held his hand more often. Or, no. I was able to hold his hands again, since God knows when.

Whenever I wake up and see myself on the mirror, I laugh at how my eyes are so similar to my dad's eyes --round, with "built in" eyebags. I see that now because since he got out of the operating room, I've looked at him more often. Or no. I was able to look at him straight to the eyes, even while conversing about shallow things -for the first time ...since God knows when.

And my list continues, this post isn't enough! Just wanna say that... It's been a sweet "extension period" so far, all because God answered my request not to take away my dad now. It was an answered prayer requiring "emptied bank accounts and maxed out credit cards" ...But it also meant having a very very very rare, and priceless chance to rekindle the love I had with the first man I loved.

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I understand why this all happened right after I decided to live on my own -because you can't leave something that still needs to be settled. God can't let you walk away just like that. And... Now I know why God has to take one love away from me. Sometimes love has to walk away so you could love others more.

Now go and show your love!
Have a blessed holy week. :)